RE: "I respect you" vs "I like you cause you give me stuff"
This is so funny because we've discussed this in my household. There are two of us, my Mom and me. The way Misha interacts with each of us is very different. I agree with you that people mistake attention and affection, or the response to both, for respect. "My dog loves me" isn't quite the same as "my dog sees me as the boss and follows my commands".
Misha takes advantage of my Mom. She manipulates her. She knows that my Mom can be pushed to get what she wants. So, when Misha wants a snack, she goes over to where my Mom is sitting and she shakes. Yes, she shakes! She knows my Mom will feel sorry for her and find her a snack. If she wants to be covered by her blanket, she goes over to her bed, sits down, and looks back at my Mom until she comes over to lift it up. She can do this perfectly fine on her own, but sometimes she wants the humans to do it for her.
She doesn't listen to my Mom. Often, my Mom gives commands multiple times before Misha does it or Misha ignores her. She acts as if she is untrained or doesn't understand English.
With me it is different. There is definitely a level of respect. When I give commands, she does them. When she is barking at the door, she will stop when I command her. If I point and tell her to go to her bed, she does it. Most of the time, she will respond to my look. She does not come running to the kitchen every time I open the pantry door because she knows I will not treat her on her schedule. She knows Grandma will. Perhaps this is why Misha is so fit. It's all the running into the kitchen. LOL
So, I would say that the way they show respect is 1) how well they follow your commands once they've learned them 2) how much they try to push and manipulate you into doing what they want 3) how well they follow boundaries.
RE: "I respect you" vs "I like you cause you give me stuff"
I so agree with you! That sounds like my house!
Sunny was a rescue. My mother in law had him first, but he was completely out of control, extremely aggressive, dominant, disobedient, a fear biter - you name it, Sunny did it. At 10 pounds (he is a chi) he had nicknames like 'Killer' and "Devil Dog." He chased my 82 year old father in law, causing him to leap over the back of the sofa!
They were going to send him back because of the havok he had wreaked in their home, but then decided that since I was the ONLY person he had not bitten they would try to get me to take him.
We already had an 'understanding' because I am not about to have some 10 pounds of fur and teeth run MY life. I did not back down from him and there was the beginning of respect - but we had a looong way to go!
I got him and immediately got him on a routine and set boundaries. For instance, when I take him outside he has to sit in a certain spot while I put on his collar and he has to wait until I tell him he can get up and go outside. I will walk out the door first and then tell him it is OK. That took a while because he wanted to run my house like he was running my mother in law's.
Not gonna happen here. We had some run ins but I never raised my voice or anything. I had a 'time out' corner for him and he would have to go there if he acted inappropriately. He now does it on his own when he get in trouble. LOL It is a spot in the corner of the room, away from the 'pack.'
It has taken a lot of work but the fear biting is gone. He has learned to trust and we have been working on appropriate responses to fear. He is doing much better now and instead of flying off the handle when he is afraid he yips and 'checks' us (hard to explain - a visual/back away/touch non=aggressive thing he does and we respond with positive attention to reinforce it).
Just tonight my husband was playing with him with his ratty little toy. They were playing tug and catch back and forth. My husband accidentally tugged his ear instead of the toy. Sunny yipped, backed away then put his paw on my husband and looked at him, waiting for my husband to approve of his response (which he did).
When he came to us you could not touch his ears, feet or tail. Now he loves to have his ears rubbed, shakes hands with you and lets you touch his tail. But anytime he 'forgets himself' he immediately looks at me to see if I am going to scold him.
He obeys me immediately with no problem and when he thinks he has done something he shouldn't have he looks at me. In fact he watches me most of the time, taking his behavioral cues from me.
He has turned out to be an excellent little dog. But, like at your house, he respects me. My husband is the one who coddles him and spoils him.
RE: "I respect you" vs "I like you cause you give me stuff"
Are you sure your dog and my Misha are not related? Except for the beginning part, your dog's behavior was much like Misha's. Only, Misha's started out a fairly decent dog, but was traumatized after a family death and having to move to our new home. I've written about it on these forums before.
However, I experienced many of things you did with your dog because she lost her trust of all humans. I worked with her for her first year of life with good results, then found I couldn't even touch her without worrying about being bitten. She had forgotten house training and was getting protective of food and toys. When I walked her I had to avoid people and dogs because she thought she owned the street. It was terrible!
That was not going to do! I can't be afraid of my own dog. I came to the realization that she must have had the doggie equivalent of a nervous breakdown with all the upset in our household. I decided it was my job to bring her back to normal--or something lose to it. I had some experience working an aggressive dog through their problems, so I had a little confidence in this area.
Like your dog, Misha had to learn that she got nothing unless I said so. I had to get back in control. She had to sit for everything. She learned that I went through doors first, not her. She couldn't touch her food until I gave the okay.
We eventually worked through the touching and holding. I got her through the protectiveness with toys and food. I even got her to stop barking and lunging at everyone who walked by us.
It's been 3 years since our move. I would say Misha is a work in progress. But, Misha of today is a much sweeter and happier dog than the one of 3 years ago.
While she hates to be picked up, she loves to be held. She now allows you to pet her entire body and she found out she really loves to have her neck massaged. I've learned that taking walks are vital to burning off some of the anxious energy.
She acts well around other people now. She is still afraid of strangers, but I learned a trick. As long as she meets them first outside the house, she allows them to come in. I also learned that she cannot be on my lap when new people come over. She's too protective.
She has met 3 new family dogs this year and has learned to behave with them all. My sister's dog stays with me sometimes and the two get along fine. Though, they do spend most of their time ignoring each other. Works for me!
I still have work to do with her. It's an every day commitment.
So, I hope at least you don't feel like you've got the only crazy dog. And, I am happy to hear from someone else who has been able to work with their dog's problems. In most cases it can be done. It takes a lot of tenacity and time, though.
